Whispers that creep in, yet scream in my heart of doubt and insecurity. Will the passions in my heart ever come to fruition? Maybe if I do what ‘she’ does I will have success. Maybe if I look like her, I will feel more beautiful. If you aren’t confident in who you are, then why would anyone else see you as such? Why am I not satisfied, always craving something else to help me feel happy, joy and contentment. Why am I not comfortable in my own skin?
‘Will the REAL Shana please stand up,’ was a question that rumbled through my mind for more years than I would like to admit in my 38 years of living.
Can you relate? Do you find yourself in these whispers?
Riding on the roller coaster of trying to meet everyone’s expectations, keep the peace and everyone happy about wore me out, and trying to be what I saw in others in the form of acceptance always led to failure on my part. A wall of doubt, insecurity , unhappiness and confusion in my heart was always under construction.
One day I remember watching a movie with one of the characters asking another, ‘Why are you always trying to conform to what others are, when you were born to stick out and be different?’ Those words resonated deep within my soul and stirred something very strong inside of me. They ignited a sense of excitement to get to know myself as God created and fashioned me to be. A sense of strength that I could confidently be ME! Does this sound familiar to you? Some may not relate to this lost sense of identity, but as one that tended to ‘people please’ it was an everyday battle I had with myself in trying to be something I was never created to be. I’m a work in progress and still have those ‘struggle’ days, but as I grow closer in Him with my identity deeply rooted in Him I experience a joy, happiness and completeness within myself that I was always craving.
In our online Bible study of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, we have been given the challenge to write about #TheRealMe! I found myself through her words in this weeks chapter reading called “When Doubt Whispers ‘I Don’t Have Anything Special To Offer’. I related to always serving others’ needs and ignoring what God created me to do, and referred to it as self sacrifice. Not being comfortable in saying ‘no’ to others in order to keep the peace and the consequence being to put the life God called me to live on the back burner. Renee said it perfectly in her words, ‘Instead of guarding and listening to our heart, we’ve been told to silence it and listen to the voice of sacrifice and duty.’
Are you here with me friend? At this place where our tendency is to bring peace and happiness to those around us while neglecting our desires to live our life fully as created and imagined it to be? There is hope! If He, our Creator, daydreamed about the woman before Him, placed in her His talents, dreams, and passions for her, then He will help her get to that place where she is confident in Him and herself to find those strengths, passions and life callings. He never wants her to be lost, hopeless, doubtful and unhappy. As she grows closer to Him, I believe He will slowly reveal His purpose to her in her life.
In my Bible study, I took a personality test in which 4 different personality types were outlined. I’m sure it’s normal, but I found myself in all of them! After looking a little deeper, I narrowed it down to a combination of 2. I need times of quiet to recharge, find ways to reduce stress, need a feeling of worth and respect; combined with a need to have understanding, stability, support, and my own space. I have been given spiritual gifts of mercy and exhortation. My heart beats loudly when I can listen to a hurting heart. Express my own journey of brokenness and healing to help bring hope, encouragement and support to one in need. I look for creative ways to bless others in their daily life. A seeker of a safe platform to help women, of all ages, in adopting the vision to embrace and not embarrass one another, to celebrate and not compete with each other, to honor, respect and call forth the God greatness in others without comparison. I desire to remove the veil of those that are hindered in their journey because of labels they’ve received or named themselves. Let the Body of Christ rise up and be healed!! Unhindered. Unashamed. My gifts and callings may not be great in number, but they are priceless to the King of Kings for His Kingdom!